As Wednesday’s NHL action came to a close earlier this week, all 30 teams had played half of their season. Now is usually a good time to gauge how a team is going to finish, which players are going to flourish and which players are on their way to becoming obsolete.
It marks the time of year that the All-Star game is upon us and all the talk arises of the joke that is known as fan balloting, shown more this year than any. Most of all, it brings out people’s predictions of which players are going to win hardware at the end of the year.
We at The Good Point are past that. Everyone has the same couple of players in mind for all of the awards, it really isn’t rocket science. ESPN came up with the ESPYs so now it is our turn. The following are awards that won’t be given out anytime or anywhere but right here on this site. I present to you The Pointies.
The Eeyore Award
Given to the player that is the biggest donkey in the league
Winner: Sean Avery (N/A)
Runner-up: Jarkko Ruutu (Ottawa)
Wow, where to start? Destroying the Dallas Stars. Having teammates hate you. Almost getting your general manager, and friend, fired. Calling one of the league’s best players boring. Saying the league’s marketing sucks. Hell, I’ll just sum it up by saying sloppy seconds. Sean Avery: You’re more of a donkey than Eeyore.
The Grocery Stick Trophy
Given to the player that is the biggest grocery stick in the league (sits on the bench separating the defence and forwards, get it, like a grocery stick)
Winner: Darcy Hordichuk (Vancouver)
Runner-up: Krystofer Barch (Dallas)
So Hordichuk has played half of the NHL season, 41 games, and has only been able to chip in five points. That might be because he is only averaging just over six minutes of ice time a game. Textbook grocery stick.
The Metropolitan Award (In honour of the New York Mets)
Given to the team that is most likely to blow their playoff spot
Winner: Anaheim Ducks
Runner-up: Calgary Flames
The Ducks are only four points up on three non-playoff teams and have given up games to each of them. For a team that has been known in the past for their defence first mentality, the Ducks have allowed the third most goals in the Western Conference and are 4-4-2 in their last 10. On their way down, down down to the ground. Here’s your Metropolitian award.
The 69 Trophy
Given to the player who wears the most ridiculous number
Winner: Rostislav Olesz (Florida 85)
Runner-up: Cody Bass (Ottawa 58)
Okay, I can understand wearing a ridiculous number if you’re playing for the Canadiens or Bruins who have a combined 21 numbers retired. But wearing a number like 85 when 72 other numbers are available considering the Panthers haven’t retired a single one is just wrong. Olesz is one of only two players to ever wear 85, the other one was Petr Klima. Either way, just a terrible number. Almost as bad as 69.
The Agent Zero Award (In honour of the Washington Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas)
Given to the player who is the most overpaid for what he contributes.
Winner: Rick Dipietro (NY Islanders)
Runner-up: Mats Sundin (Vancouver Canucks)
This one was a no-brainer. In 2006, the Islanders signed DiPietro to a 15-year, $67.5 million contract, and ever since then he has spent more time on the shelf than that can of sardines that your mom sent down to University with you. DiPietro has played a total of five games this year, good enough for the Agent Zero Award.
The Stealth Ninja Trophy
Given to the player who has gone unnoticed despite a good season
Winner: Zach Parise (New Jersey)
Runner-up: Tim Thomas (Boston)
As if playing in New Jersey wasn’t bad enough. Zach Parise has over 50 points and no one seems to notice or care. You never hear anyone talk about him outside of New Jersey, it’s always the same old trapping Devils without Brodeur. Being only 15 points away from a career high in points this early in the season and no one knows about it is definitely sly enough for Parise to be a Stealth Ninja.
The Swiss Cheese Trophy
Given to the goalie that has played almost as good as one of those plastic sieves
Winner: Chris Osgood (Detroit)
Runner-up: Marty Turco (Dallas)
How someone can play on arguably the most dominant team in the NHL with arguably the best defence in the league, yet still have a goals against average of over three and a save percentage that is under .900 is shocking at best. Coming off a year in which he was the starting goalie in the All-Star game, Osgood has dropped back down to the lower echelon of goaltenders in the league which is why he earns The Swiss Cheese Trophy.